Humor Column: Cheese Whiz Kids

There are some pretty smart kids out there; we’ll all admit that. Teenage geniuses getting their degree at MIT at 16, one child accidentally stumbling the wonderful invention of the popsicle, and many other great discoveries made by those under the even age of 18. Inventing a glove that translates sign language and the nonreusable syringe really helps the future of the world, yes, but if I were that kid, I’d be inventing things that weren’t nearly as useful to the rest to the world as they would be to me. Let me offer up a few examples.

A machine that helps keep your room tidy. Sure, most would just call that a robot that’s still years in the making, but you could easily train hamsters to set off a Rube Goldberg contraption that sweeps your clothes into a hamper or blows your homework all over your desk and not your floor. Or the hamsters could eat all of the spare crumbs lingering about your carpet. That works too. Good luck finding the hamsters again, though.

How about a backpack that gives you a readout of what binders and objects are inside while you’re on the go? That way, you can realize much faster if you’ve forgotten your history textbook on the bathroom counter or your biology report in the hands- or paws, rather, of your faithful friend Fido. But the recovery of your report is pretty slim to none, really. ReadingBackpack 2.0 might be able to save your paper by deterring the dog somehow. It’s a work in progress.

Or how about a wireless printer that you can take anywhere that doesn’t actually require an internet connection or power cord to work? If you forgot to print out a vital report or essay, this printer would be useful so you can do so safely on the bus to work or in the bathroom five minutes before class. Then again, good luck with the battery life on the thing.

Maybe I’m going too far into the science fiction realm to be truly realistic about this. The printer is actually on its way into existence, though, from the concept pictures and ever-so-reliable 3D models I’ve seen on the web. But hey, would other students not agree that these inventions would be more useful to them than magnetic locker wallpaper?

Kids can be smart, but they need to get their priorities in line. And by that I mean their personal priorities. They need those trained hamsters.